Strategies for living together through COVID-19

Overcoming this pandemic is gonna take time and sacrifice. I am reasonably certain that most of the nation will be in isolated, “shelter at home” conditions for many more weeks if not months. We may be more fortunate than most in our rural, more isolated environment, but regardless of duration, I can see from my own experiences at home that we need to begin implementing strategies that support the mental health of everyone in the house.

Some of what I will be outlining is borrowed from, or inspired by material from Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg and his book Nonviolent Communication. This method of communication has many basic and useful components. I anticipate I will outline many of them in more detail in future blog posts. Among the components for facilitating healthier communication is the practice of identifying your individual needs. Here is an illustration on how that process can go. 

1. Set up a weekly “What are your needs” meeting

My family has done this a few times over dinner since the outbreak. I have felt the frustration and level of irritability rising off and on since the start of the pandemic in myself and in my family. We chose to self isolate a couple weeks ago and emotions can run high. If we are gonna live together in a supportive and meaningful way, we need to be able to identify our needs. 

At dinner last night, I asked everyone one after the other what needs they could observe arising over the past several days. One of my sons said he needs to connect with his friends through FaceTime or calls but he wants more privacy. He doesn’t want to be overheard by the rest of us. My other son said he needs to know when he might be able to hang out with friends again. He needs some timeline to orient has mind around. My wife, who has been administering her Concordia classes from her basement office said she needs to be able to do some of that work in a less dark and gloomy location. All of them identified a need to go and see “Grandma” and “Grandpa soon”, and (sensing a need for a bit of levity) I suggested I needed to not see the teenage super hero television show being broadcast at home. My effort for humor led to irritation however. 

Here is what is interesting. Although we identified several needs, and some of them accompanied deeper emotions, we didn’t really solve any of them. For example, once we started to discuss what would need to happen for us to know that visiting the boys grandparents was safe, the boys become frustrated and fearful. They both quickly concluded it wasn’t worth the risk. Even though we didn’t create a plan, we let ourselves be in the experience of needing to see them again and acknowledging there was a fear we might not. I suggested we table trying to meet that need for now and revisit as we learn more about the outbreak. This first practice, the practice of articulating your needs, can be very important for feeling a valuable part of the group and allowing others to be more present to those needs. Frequently, the solutions are easier than realizing what needs are there. 

2. Rotate entertainment choices

Most of what I enjoy watching is not high on the list of what the rest of my family might enjoy. For instance, I have been watching YouTube videos from a doctor in California evaluating data in order to understand the breadth and potential duration of COVID-19 along with the possible risks for certain patients, the process of developing a vaccine… well, as you can see, this is not the most attractive form of entertainment for everyone.

To keep everyone sane we rotate the choice. When it is your choice, you’re encouraged to find something that everyone can tolerate but is of particular interest to you. Disney is popular for some and documentaries for others. On the night it is your choice you could choose to work on a puzzle or play a board game as a family as well, but that choice hasn’t been a hot one yet.

3. Everyone cooks

In our house, it’s not uncommon for the eaters to sometimes critique the chef. Chefs don’t like that! Let everyone walk a mile in the shoes of the main cook in order to spread the appreciation. Last week the boys cooked hot dogs. The music was loud, as was the occasional laughter, and everyone enjoyed the meal. My wife skipped the dogs but indulged in the excitement the boys had, and the pleasure that comes from one less responsibility.

4. Shared grocery lists

We all have our comfort foods and yet we don’t all share the grocery shopping. In order to avoid disappointment and potential conflicts that arise when we don’t see those comforts in the pantry, keep a shared list. If you’re lucky like us and everyone has an iPhone, create a shared Costco list. Now if I can just remember to add hazelnuts to the list.

5. Get outside

There may never be a time in our lives when we appreciate the open space that we are fortunate to have around us more than this time. Crowded subways and streets have been the vectors for the transmission of this virus to spread exponentially. It doesn’t take long to separate yourself from someone by 6ft or more in our area. Check with the local parks regarding precautionary procedures, but as the snow thaws and the days warm, getting to the outdoors will be a much needed spiritual rebirth for us and every family member can find their own path for a day of repose in nature.

It helps guide and inspire me to hear your comments and reactions. It also helps me stay focused on this work when you react to the work so that I know it has value in creating wellness. Likes and shares seem to be how this process works, so if you feel inclined that way please let me know through social media engagement.

Be well,

Robert Angotti, Lic. Ac., Herbalist